Ah, baseball. America’s Pastime.
It’s a patient sport, but offers plenty of excitement. And also plenty of long commercial breaks. And a lot of people just standing around. And quite a bit of waiting for replay challenges to conclude. And not to mention the games are usually like three and a half hours long. And a lot of people swinging a bat and missing theballllbaksjsjdkdjspeowjh.,.,,,,,,….,,,,,,…. .
Oh, sorry. I dozed off on my computer for a second. Okay so baseball is boring! And with exciting, fast-paced sports like basketball, hockey, and football, baseball is rapidly losing its fanbase. But don’t worry, I am aware of just how boring it is and I have come up with nine simple things that will fix baseball for good.
1. Teams may have as many catchers on the field as they want.
Why not? Put a few more catchers back there. Couldn’t hurt.
2. Any batter who doesnt hit at least one (1) home run a game will be sent down to the minors.
In an effort to incentivize more offense, I think that any player who doesn’t sock at least one dinger a game will, effective immediately, be demoted to the minor leagues.
3. Umpires can now bat.
NOTE: If your team strikes out the ump it counts as two outs.
4. Bats are now swords.
5. Baseballs are now on fire.
6. Two games will be played at the same time on the weekends.
Every weekend two games will be played simultaneously on the same field. As part of the new “Whacky Weekend” initiative. Other aspects of “Whacky Weekend” include:
Fans running on the field is encouraged.
Slam dunk contest.
Fireworks show between every inning.
Die Hard will be played on the scoreboard.
Eddie Van Halen performing guitar solos in lieu of an organist.
7. A hibachi chef behind home plate doing cool hibachi tricks.
8. Players may have a “companion dog” on the field.
9. Bunting is illegal and punishable by actual jail time.
Bunting is now literally illegal and players who attempt a bunt will be arrested on the spot and tried in a court of law.
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