Behold the swaggering masculinity of Vladimir Putin

My one regret is not having more time to exercise for this is just my body's naturally sculpted state.
Image: Sovfoto/UIG via Getty Images

Behold, it is Vladimir Putin, in all his glory.

You may know Putin as the President of Russia. But he is not like other presidents. He’s a “macho” president. The “quintessential picture of masculinity” president. The man’s man “smell the dirt under his fingernails, feel the sun’s blazing rays radiating off his chest, scrub the dried blood from his bare hands” president.

Or at least that’s what his recent vacation photos and videos would have you believe.

No better way to spend your day off than by plucking another living thing out of the water

Image: ALEXEI NIKOLSKY/SPUTNIK/KREMLIN POOL/EPA/REX/SHUTTERSTOCK

Wait, what did you expect? That Putin would go play golf in a red hat? Putin doesn’t have time for hitting a ball with a stick while wearing an ill-fitting polo shirt.

No, he takes his adventures to the outdoors and explores. He doesn’t play a game that allows nature to tame him; he tames nature.

This is a man, after all, who inspired a meme about him riding a bear and yet could probably very easily tame such a bear.

The actual photo came from Putin’s 2009 vacation in Siberia, where the leader basked in the glorious outdoors without a shirt, making sure the world knew that nuclear arms weren’t the only guns in his possessions.

Given his penchant for very serious and very macho vacations, maybe it’s time to revisit all of the ways in which Vladimir Putin has gone to great lengths to make sure you know exactly how strong, how virile, how MANLY he is.

Guns!

We mentioned Putin’s bulging biceps that he likes to show off in nature. But those aren’t Putin’s only guns. No, a true world leader needs to make sure people know he means business and what better way to strike fear and admiration into the people of the world that being really, really comfortable with firearms?

Go ahead, comrade, make my day

Image: DMITRI ASTAKHOV/AFP/Getty Images

Putin loves guns.

I will get you, bear, for you belittled my country

Image: ALEXEY DRUZHININ/AFP/GettyImages

Like, a lot.

There is no cold, only myself and the gun

Image: ALEXEY DRUZHININ/AFP/Getty Images

I will find you, dishonorable gopher

Image: DMITRY ASTAKHOV/AFP/Getty Images

He loves aiming guns at things.

I choose this election to sabotage.

Image: ALEXEY DRUZHININ/AFP/Getty Images

Even on boats.

I will guard Russia against the aggression of Alaska.

Image: ALEXEY DRUZHININ/AFP/Getty Images

Very manly.

Animals!

Vladimir Putin is a lover of all animals, be them big or small. And a real man is one who is comfortable in his own skin, one who is not afraid to frolic with the animals of his dominion, on land or sea.

I call this one “Donald” because he eats out of my hand

Image: ALEXEY NIKOLSKY/AFP/Getty Images

Do you not find me lovable now, world?

Image: Alexsey Druginyn/AFP/Getty Images

If you are aware of what is good for you, you will eat this fish

Image: ALEXEY NIKOLSKY/AFP/Getty Images

He also shares that love with others around him, inviting them to join him in basking in the adoration of the fur-covered worshippers.

His name is Cerebus the Drinker of Blood, Angela. There is no reason to fear him.

Image: AXEL SCHMIDT/AFP/Getty Images

Finally, he also takes it upon himself to care for the animals that surround, making sure to protect them from harm (don’t mind the guns) and make sure the future is bright for both man and bears.

We must protect this creature for future Coke bottles.

Image: ALEXEY NIKOLSKY/AFP/Getty Images

It is clear this tiger cannot handle its vodka as I can

Image: Animal Press / Barcroft Media / Getty Images

A true man of the world

Exercise!

Putin has proven how masculine he is by his constant exercise, as well. There is no weather in which he won’t ride a horse, heat and snow both be damned.

This is my winter horse, Donald, Jr.

Image: ALEKSEY DRUZHININ/AFP/Getty Images

He casts his fishing lure into the waiting river with the power of 10 men twice his size.

I am king of all of this river that I survey

Image: Sovfoto/UIG via Getty Images

And, lest we forget, he is a man of SPORT! Again, no golf for Putin. Such a sport is simply a walk. For Putin is not only a well-known outdoorsman, but one who is strong enough to play grueling sports such as hockey.

Now that is truly a hat trick of world domination.

Image: Metzel/AP/REX/Shutterstock

And he participates in perhaps one of the most macho of pastimes: hand-to-hand combat.

You may submit any time you wish and put an end to this child’s play

Image: ALEXEY DRUZHININ/AFP/Getty Images

Impressive, no?

Adventure!

You want intrigue? How about that time Putin took a gander at an ancient shipwreck by riding in a submersible aquatic video that looked like it was straight out of a James Bond movie?

He didn’t come back with treasure that time but there was the time in 2015 when he “discovered” a pair of ancient Greek urns. So what that it turned out the whole thing was staged? Look at the way he swims with grace, with dignity, with MUCH MANLINESS.

Underseas adventures are nothing, though, to what he does on land.

And that is when the other character said, “When this hits 88 kilometers per hour, you’re going to see some serious stuff.”

Image: Alexei Druzhinin/TASS

And someone as masculine and confident as Putin doesn’t let something like the lack of ability to fly stop him.

I pity you, bird, for you eventually grow tired of flight whereas I do not.

Image: Sovfoto/UIG via Getty Images

Take that, birds!

Give the people what they want

One last part of being a true man is also altruism. The people love Putin. And a man doesn’t become so beloved by denying the people what they want. And what they want most is pure, uncut, unadulterated Putin.

Maybe that’s why the annual Putin calendars are such a must-have, selling out of every available copy to be pinned to dorm room walls and office cubicles where photos of Putin can be admired year-round.

It’s not just one thing but, rather, all of these things that make Putin a true man’s man. He is, after all, one of us even as he is beyond us.

Howdy, cowpokes, please listen to this amiable story to which you can surely relate!

Image: Dmitry Astakhov/TASS

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